New book!

  Starting 5/11/11, I began reading a new book, and it is very good.

Heaven is for Real. It's a true story about a little boy who became very sick, and he was taken to heaven. He sat with Jesus and talked to him, met John the Baptist, etc. And the kid was only 3 years old. It's a cute book, and I recommend it.

But one thing that I think is particularly interesting is that, since the little boy met Jesus and knew what he looked like, lots of artists were drawing pictures of ways that Jesus might look, and asking him if the picture looked like the real Jesus, and the kid kept saying, "no, that's not quite right." And then there was a little girl who drew a picture of what she thought Jesus might look like, and the little boy immediately said that it looked exactly like him. And the picture is in the book.
It looks similar to our interpretation of Jesus' looks, but yet it's different.

I found that to be interesting. So, if you read the book, you can see what Jesus looks like. Incentive, I know :P

When Jesus Isn't Enough

  I have been into stumbleupon lately...
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/68jg18/storybleed.com/2011/01/when-jesus-isnt-enough/
And I found this just now, and I thought it was so true. And then I thought, "I can write a whole saga about that on my blog!" So that's what I'm doing.

  First off, every American, no matter how poor, is so spoiled. Americans always want more and more, and then aren't truly thankful for any of it. I think the main problem here is that we receive too much.  If we only received material blessings every so often, we would be thankful when we did receive them. I don't know how often you receive material things, but I am gifted them constantly. If we are at the store and I see something I really want, I ask my mom if I can get it, and she usually says yes. And then when I get it home, I feel almost like I deserve to have it, and I'm not thankful at all.

  People in poor countries have absolutely nothing, but it is so easy for them to love and follow the Lord. Why is that? Personally, I believe that material possessions are a huge barrier between God and us. Those who have absolutely nothing - no food, necessities, hope - live so simply. Their lives aren't cluttered with unnecessary junk. So when they hear about Jesus, and how He will always sustain those who are weak, give hope to the hopeless, and everything else that they need, they simply trust and have faith, and that's all there is to it. Isn't that amazing to you? It amazes me. They just accept it so easily, and completely rely on God. And relying on God is what you are supposed to do, but if you're like me, we don't always trust Him with the important things, or sometimes even the little things, for fear that he won't give us the answer we want, or that he won't come through for us. (Or maybe that's just me....) I wish I had simple faith, but I don't. Do you have simple, child-like faith? The Bible says that we must have this kind of faith. But what should you do if you don't?

 There are always a thousand things we could do instead of go read our Bible or spend time praying, and usually I do the thousand other things. Watch tv, watch movies, get on the internet, call a friend, clean, eat out of boredom, etc. But for those that don't have any of those things, they most likely spend a lot more time meditating on the Word, and wanting to go more in-depth with their relationship with God. If you have ever just meditated on God, then you know that it has that effect. The more you think about how awesome, loving, and forgiving He is, the more you want to become closer and closer with Him. But, as I said, we only meditate on Him every so often, because we are distracted by other things. But those who have nothing to distract them think of God so much more, and so much more often - thus putting them in a better place spiritually.

  This whole topic always gets me. How simple and childlike the faith is of people who have absolutely nothing. Not a single thing of value. Yet, I think of how wonderful it would be to live and think like that, but would I ever really renounce all of my possessions and go live somewhere dirty and sleep on the ground? Probably not of my own accord. I probably wouldn't do that unless God gave me a huge calling.

Link.

I just found the neatest website for daily devotions. I thought I would share.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/8dBUao/www.soulstrength.com/Devotions.html

Hmmm.

  Last night, I was speaking on the phone with one of my dear friends, and we spoke for quite a while and traveled through many subjects. And while we were talking, the thought suddenly came to me: What was Jesus' last name?
  My friend was raised in a very religious home, and she always seems to have an answer to my religious questions. So I asked her, and she didn't know. So we looked up the chronology lists in both Mathew and Luke, and of all the names listed, none of them included a last name.
  Does that mean that people in the bible days didn't have last names? That would be a logical reason as to why you never hear of Jesus having a last name. And for people to identify themselves, they always said "I am ____, son of _____" or, "I am ______ of _____" you know? So maybe they just didn't keep last names. But if that's true, who first decided to start last names? When did that tradition begin? Interesting stuff, right there.
  That's probably the dumbest thing I've blogged about yet :p

The cross.

  Easter is coming up! I'm excited to watch The Passion on Easter Sunday and really take in why we celebrate Easter. I've never really sat there and thought about what it means, and how it affected Jesus and all that. But the other night, I was praying and just trying to think over Easter, and I thought of some pretty amazing facts.

  1. The cross symbolizes my sin. 2. The cross was heavy, and Jesus carried it. 3. There was no better way for Jesus to be put to shame, than by carrying the cross down the streets of Jerusalem. 4. In Matthew 26, Jesus prays to God when he is very scared, and he asks God if there is any way that he could take away the cup of suffering, but then he ultimately says that he wants God's will to be done and not his own. 5. The incredible pain. 6. That should have been me.

  1: The cross symbolizes my sin. My sin is why Jesus was crucified in the first place. I couldn't be forgiven if Christ hadn't willingly given up his life for my own.
  2: The cross was heavy, and Jesus carried it down the streets. This one kind of ties into the first. I realized that the weight of the cross (my sin) is the weight that sin has on us. When I sin, I ask Jesus to forgive me and of course he always does. But depending on the seriousness of my sin, I sometimes can't forgive myself. When I ask Jesus to forgive me, he does immediately, and the Bible says he doesn't even remember  it anymore. But when it comes to letting the weight of your sin off of your heart, it is so much more difficult. But Christ carried that weight for me. He takes away the weight if we let him.
  3: There is no better way for Jesus to be put to shame, than by carrying the cross down the streets of Jerusalem. If you think back to the way things used to be, there would be huge crowds watching people being put to death. Huge groups of people stoned others in the streets depending on what sins they committed. Can you imagine the shame that Jesus endured? He walked through the streets, and was probably seen by everyone in the entire city. (he was a pretty well-known guy, after all). The Bible says people spat at him, and some people were punching and slapping him. He never did anything wrong!! That always gets me.
  4: In Matthew 26, Jesus prays to God when he is very scared, and he asks God if there is any way that he could take away the cup of suffering, but then he ultimately says that he wants God's will to be done and not his own. Jesus knows what is about to happen to him. He knows everything, even the caliber of pain he is about to be put through. If I knew all of that was about to happen to me, I would probably be begging God to take it away and rescue me. But instead, Jesus asks if it is possible for his cup to be taken, but then he basically says, 'but really, I just want what you want. So if it has to be this way, then let it be.' Could you imagine saying that if you knew exactly what horrific things were about to happen to you, knowing that you never did a single thing wrong?
  5: The incredible pain. Think about it. First, they whipped Jesus many times. They tore open his skin in many places and he was a bloody mess. Then they made a crown out of thorns, and shoved it onto his head. Thorns! I whine like a baby if I get just one in my foot. But he took several, and they were shoved into his scalp. And then, as if that wasn't enough, after he was weak and almost broken already, they forced him to take the enormous weight of the cross and carry it through the city. Past every single person that spat on him and hit him, up to the hill where they proceeded to take four nails, and shove two of them into his wrists, and two into his ankles. Just stop to think about that for a moment. The pain is incomprehensible. Surely none of us have ever taken on such pain, as he did. And he did it for me, and for you.
  6: That should have been me. All of it, from the beginning, he endured just to buy my pardon with God. What he, a completely innocent man, took for me, is what I deserve for the things I do every day. It should have been I who endured a kiss from a friend who betrayed me, who was judged guilty, who sat there while people whipped me and shoved thorns into my head, who carried the immense weight of the cross with a week and beaten body. The shame should have been mine. And most importantly, the pain of my body being hung on two pieces of wood by four nails should have been mine.

 Yet he takes all of it away completely. This is what I am going to remember on Easter Sunday. What are you going to remember? What are you going to think of? Are you going to be focused on getting a day off, being able to take a nap, or being lazy for a day?

Changing for God.

  I have not always been an actual Christian. I was raised Christian, so I've always known about God and I called myself Christian, but I was living quite a worldly life. I didn't really get the concept that being Christian means that you are in a close relationship with God. My very Christian friends always tried to win me over, and the message would really affect me and I would think "Oh, yes. I am going to DO this this time. I am going to be a REAL Christian now!" and then the message would fizzle out and completely go away. I struggled with that for  years, and I had no idea why. I didn't understand why it ALWAYS went away. Then one night I was reading my Bible and I realized that if I died right that moment, I wouldn't go to heaven. I knew it. So I thought, "If I know that I'm not going to make it to heaven right now, then what am I doing?" And that is when I gave my life to God. And that was only about a year and a half ago.

  After that, I began to see that it was going to take sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. I also saw that it isn't called "sacrifice" for no reason. A sacrifice is meant to be difficult - it is meant to show how devoted you are. If you just give up stuff you don't care about, that doesn't really show devotion, does it? For a few months after I officially gave up my life for Christ, I felt so different. It's not even something you can describe, you just know that you're different inside. I had given up my bad music and bad movies (to clear up: "bad movies" refers to movies with an R rating) because I literally had no desire to taint myself with those things any longer, I started reading my Bible every day, and praying all the time. But then, I started to miss my music (because.. let's face it. Christian music isn't really that great.) I started to listen to just ONE non-Christian band again. But once that gets into your heart, it plans the seed and it grows. That is exactly what happened, too. So I started to listen to all of my bad music again. And then eventually I went back to watching bad movies.

  Obviously, the new and amazing feeling of belonging to God completely went away after that. This went on for a few months until I noticed that the feeling was gone. I noticed that I never thought about God anymore. I didn't pray anymore. I started skipping my devotions. I remember after I figured all that out, I would just cry and pray all the time and tell God I was sorry that I drifted away, and I kept asking Him to let the feeling come back. The happy, glowing feeling that makes you feel so amazing. I kept asking for the feeling, and to feel His presence. I started forcing myself to read the Bible again every day and I started praying a lot more again, but the feeling never did come back. I started to wonder if that was the only chance I'd had. Just the first one. And I messed that up. This went on for much too long.

  About a months ago or so, I gave up bad music and movies again. I don't even remember why. I think it was just a feeling of, if I wanted to get closer to God, I had to sacrifice my piddly, stupid desires. Last weekend it all started to make sense to me. About a year ago when I was all upset that the feeling was gone and that it didn't feel the way it used to and I was constantly praying for God to come back and forgive me, I hadn't gotten rid of the things that drew me away from Him in the first place. I was still listening to bad music all the time and watching bad movies, but I expected God to come back as fully as He had the first time. God has to think I'm so dumb. It is a wonder that He is so patient with me, honestly...

  So far the sacrificing has been going well. I don't really miss the movies anymore, and the music.. I still kinda miss. But I'm hoping God will help me to discover some Christian bands that I just love, because that would make it so much better :P.  But last night I thought of the fact that not only will I have to sacrifice those things, but I have to sacrifice EVERYTHING. There has been a conflict in my small group of friends recently and everyone is always complaining about the other behind their back and I don't really like to get involved and I always feel really bad afterwards, but I always do it. I'm not smart enough to change the subject or something. Ugh. Last night I was flipping through Romans and each verse I read said things like "Their mouths are full of cursing and hate," and "They don't know how to live in peace," and, "There is no one who always does what is right. Not even one." I thought that was pretty much a huge hint from God that I had to stop gabbing about people. So now I have to do that.

  Movies affect the mind. The bad things you may see in an R rated movie, or the things you hear, will flutter across your mind for weeks, even months after. You find yourself thinking words that you never thought before, and you have images going through your mind that you regret.
Music affects your heart and your soul. When you listen to music full of swearing and bad messages, those things plant themselves in your heart. They grow there, and change the feelings you have in your heart. Your devotion to God, your love for people, anything. Bad music changes those things.
But your tongue has a mind of its own. If you curse people with your mouth, it is hard to get it to stop. The tongue is the only part of you that is easily affected that hurts others. Your mind, heart, and soul are your curses to bear. But the tongue hurts others more than it hurts you.

Check-up on the whole "doubts" thing.

  I have been spending a lot of time praying and reading my Bible and doing devotions and asking God to help me with all of the stuff that was going through my head. And again, he has come through for me. I realized that the things I was thinking weren't doubts at all. I never doubted the existence of God, I just questioned it. All of the things going through my mind were just questions, and He answered them for me. Now they are completely gone, and I am back to the way I used to be. Completely accepting of Him and His word. That was horrible, when I wasn't sure about things. I am so thankful that it didn't last long. Only a month or so. When you aren't sure about God, or when you don't believe in Him, your life feels worthless and like there is no point to your existence. Along my small journey I knew that was true. When you aren't serving God or constantly looking to Heaven in anticipation and love, you have nothing to live for, because we are alive to live for God. (cheesy as that sounds, if you think about it, it is completely true.) If there wasn't a God whom we needed to serve, none of us would be alive. And when you don't believe in the God who you were made to serve, then you literally have no purpose. I felt this way while all of my questions were constantly plaguing my mind and tainting my thinking. I felt like since I was having questions about God, my existence was becoming meaningless. And that is a horrible feeling.

  I also realized that you can always come back. When I was questioning things I felt myself getting further and further from my relationship with God. I was getting angry quickly and always really sad. But when I decided to stop being an idiot and take care of the problems, God took me in again with no questions asked. Just that easily. And when I apologized, the Bible says he doesn't even remember it. Not only does He forgive me, but He doesn't even remember it anymore. That is astounding.

When your doubts in God grow...

  I feel like my faith has been turned upside-down lately. Never, in my entire life, have I ever doubted the existence of God. Never even a little bit in the deepest part of my heart, have I had a doubt even the size of a mustard seed. But as of late, a few of my friends have stopped believing in God. Some have turned atheist, even which is the complete opposite of what they believed before. I know that I, and nearly all of my friends, are at the turning point in our lives. We are at the point where we start to take on our own views and adult-like opinions, and not just follow blindly the ideas of our parents. It's just crazy for me, because I'm a home-schooled student, so everyone who I've ever been friends with has been a Christian. (What a stereotype that is :P.) So it's just a little hard for me to deal with the sudden changes, because I've never had to handle with knowing ANYONE who was an unbeliever.

  But, at any rate, to get to my point: lately I have been having doubts about God, I assume because my now un-Christian friends are putting thoughts into my head and making me question things. Though I have defended God at every opportunity, only now are their words starting to plant roots in my mind and make me second-guess everything. I hate the doubts! I've told God that. I've asked Him to search my heart and know that I don't want those thoughts there, but they just pop up at random! Each time I think "I really need ____," and I automatically think, "Well God will provide it." That is followed up by, "but if he doesn't exist, then...." and it's so annoying. Each time there is an inkling of a doubt that comes to mind, I beg forgiveness. The past few nights when reading my Bible before bed, I have wept until my eyes are sore just because even as I read my Bible, the thoughts like, "Maybe the Bible is just a book. Maybe someone very long ago just thought of all these stories and ideas, much like those who believe in Greek gods did." and those thoughts hurt me. It's like everything I've believed completely whole-heartedly since the time I was two years old are now things that I am having doubts about. Even each old testament Bible story! (David and Goliath, Daniel and the lions den, Esther, Joshua and the wall of Jericho, Moses and the burning bush, etc.) It really tears my heart into bits that I am now doubting each of those things that I have always thought to be 100% true, just because a few of my good friends have switched beliefs and are trying to convince me to do the same.  I have begged during prayer that if God is in heaven and everything written in the Bible really is completely true, that he would help me to overcome my doubts so that I can continue to grow in my relationship with Him. I feel like a life without belief in God is no life at all, but when I had (well.. I shouldn't use past tense because I still do believe.. I don't even know how to describe what I've been feeling lately. Anyway: ) a belief in God, I let it go awry by letting my friends' influence into my heart. I have felt so completely, awfully guilty and so unworthy the past few weeks.

  At any rate, I have been praying to earnestly that if God is in heaven that he would please help me to overcome my doubts. Over and over and over I've prayed that prayer. Then last night, I just suddenly remembered that years ago, my mother bought me two books that are from a series of three or four by Paul Little. The first, entitled "Know Why You Believe" and the second, "Know What You Believe". Since she bought them for me, she has told me that she wants me to read them before I go to college but I never have. They just set idly on my bookshelf. But last night I suddenly remembered that I have these two books. With the troubles I've been having, I obviously picked up the book "Know Why You Believe" first, and I read the introduction and knew that this was EXACTLY the kind of book I needed to read in order to get answers and to tell what I should do to respond to my recent doubts/questions.



  I know that these doubts are just on the surface and aren't really in my heart. (Otherwise I feel that I *probably* wouldn't still pray for guidence and help all the time.) I just need to get rid of them before they plant roots.

  This book has helped me immensely just so far. This man was truly blessed with the words of God. It's very insightful and thought-provoking.

Psalm 49

I have been going through the book of Psalms the past few days. Last night I read Psalm 49, and there are a lot of really impacting verses here. I highlighted nearly all of them in my Bible, so I thought I would share this passage with my faithful blog followers.
Psalm 49 in full says:
1 Hear this, all you peoples; listen, all who live in this world, 2 both low and high, rich and poor alike: 3 My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the utterance from my heart will give understanding. 4 I will turn my ear to a proverb; with the harp I will expound my riddle: 5 Why should I fear when evil days come, when wicked deceivers surround me-- 6 those who trust in their wealth and boast of their great riches? 7 No man can redeem the life of another or give to God a ransom for him--8 the ransom for a life is costly, no payment is ever enough-- 9 that he should live on forever and not see decay. 10 For all can see that wise men die; the foolish and the senseless alike perish and leave their wealth to others. 11 Their tombs will remain their houses forever, their dwellings for endless generations, though they had named lands after themselves. 12 But man, despite his riches, does not endure; he is like the beasts that perish. 13 This is the fate of those who trust in themselves, and of their followers, who approve their sayings. 14 Like sheep they are destined for the grave, and death will feed on them. The upright will rule over them in the morning; their forms will decay in the grave, far from their princely mansions. 15 But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself. 16 Do not be overawed when a man grows rich, when the splendor of his house increases; 17 for he will take nothing with him when he dies, his splendor will not descend with him. 18 Though while he lived he counted himself blessed-- and men praise you when you prosper-- 19 he will join the generation of his fathers, who will never see the light [of life]. 20 A man who has riches without understanding is like the beasts that perish.


I love these verses. There are so many verses in the Bible that tell us not to store our riches on earth. This whole Psalm is dedicated to telling you what you have to look forward to if you store your treasures on earth, rather than in heaven. (One of the best  verses pertaining to this, in my opinion, is Luke 12:34, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.") "...Wise men die; the foolish and the senseless alike perish and leave their wealth to others," (Ps. 49:10). Wisdom is no better than foolishness or senselessness if you care more about earthly gain such as money, success, power, etc. And by the Psalmist using the word 'perish', we can obviously tell that this means hell. "This is the fate of those who trust in themselves," (Ps. 49:13). Why would you trust yourself when you could trust in God? I don't trust myself at all. How often have we all promised ourselves that we would never do something, and then we ended up doing just what we promised ourselves we would not do? I know for a fact that I can't trust myself. So why should I try when God is 100,000,000,000 X wiser and more trustworthy? He knows what is best for me. He knows the plan for my life; I was not born without purpose. I anxiously await  for the day when I can do what God put me on earth to do. :)

Children of God

This video brought me to tears.

That is so powerful.

Doubts

Do you ever have doubts about God? Sometimes I do, in a way. Occasionally there will be little thoughts in the back of my mind saying "What if He isn't real? What if you're talking to yourself when you pray?" Things like that. But I undoubtedly believe that He created the world (I mean, how could this amazing beautiful and complex earth make itself?), so I believe He made everything... Except sometimes doubts creep in about whether he exists or not. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to anyone reading this, but oh well. It makes sense to me.

What always makes me feel completely awful is if I'm praying, and those thoughts creep into the back of my mind. "What if you're just talking to yourself right now?" I always try to dismiss the thought because I feel like.. I don't know, if I don't let it come into the foreground of my mind that God won't hear it? But of course that's preposterous. So a few nights ago while I was praying, those thoughts crept into my mind again, so I addressed them with Him. I said that I was sorry that those thoughts creep in there, but I didn't know how to make them leave. I just talked about it for a little bit. Then once my prayer was over, I turned off my light and laid down to go to sleep, and the following words formed in my mind:
'Everyone always asks for evidence of God's existence, but what evidence is there against Him?'

How revolutionary! Everything points to the existence of God. Everything. Birds, the sky, grass, the complex way humans are designed, blessings, the simplest microorganism, stars, and a million other things. But what things point to lack of evidence of Him? The only thing I can think of is that He is not visible. But just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Especially when EVERYTHING else above, below, and on the earth might as well have a huge neon sign that says "GOD EXISTS!"

Speaking in tongues

Lately, I've been wondering what speaking in tongues really means. For some reason, in my family we aren't so open about talking about God. We are all Christians and we all go to church, but it's like if someone mentions something about God there is an awkward feeling. I know that isn't how it should be. I wish I was able to be more open about my religious questions. Not that I'm blaming my parents for my complex about speaking openly of God in the family setting. I'm getting off topic...
Okay, what I started out to say, was that I have gone to friends' churches before and there will be people speaking in a different language. When I was younger I was confused about what this was. I remember asking my mom and she said, "Oh, those people make it up." and my father (bless his heart) told me, "They're full of s****." This is what I've kind of thought about it since they told me that when I was younger. But since I'm older now, I needed more of a personal opinion. Two of my friends go to a huge church where they speak in tongues. Since I go to their church semi-often, the question has been even more prominent to me.
A couple nights ago, I was looking for an answer in my Bible. I read I Corinthians chapter 14, and it pretty much lays it all out for you. Paul said  many things about speaking in tongues that made a good opinion of it quite clear.
"He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself" (I Corinthians 14:4)
"Now, brothers, if I come to you and speak in tongues, what good will I be to you, unless I bring you some revelation or knowledge or prophecy or word of instruction? Even in the case of lifeless things that make sounds, such as the flute or harp, how will anyone know what tune is being played unless there is distinction in the notes?" (I Corinthians 14:6-7)
"...Unless you speak intelligible words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? You will just be speaking into the air." (I Corinthians 14:9)
"If you are praising God with your spirit, how can one who finds himself among those who do not understand say 'Amen' to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying?" (I Corinthians 14:16)
"So if the whole church comes together and everyone speaks in tongues, and some who do not understand or some unbelievers come in, will they not say that you are out of your mind?" (I Corinthians 14:23)
I Corinthians 14 says many other things about it, but those were the main verses that stuck out to me.
After reading these things, I was still slightly confused though, because I knew that speaking in tongues was a spiritual gift. So why would a spiritual gift be bad?

I addressed these questions to my small group at church last night, and my small group leader said, "OH! I have a paper about why our church doesn't condone speaking in tongues! Let me go get it!" So she read it to me and read some of the scripture from I Corinthians 14 again. But her paper from the church explained that they do not speak in tongues during services because speaking in tongues is a spiritual gift that is meant to be private, not broadcasted to the whole church body. Speaking in tongues is meant to be a private, intense prayer between only you and God.

And now I have my own opinion. It's amazing, the things that you can ask God about in prayer, and then he will answer those questions so plainly and openly.

Solitude-

"In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me—naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken—nothing. 
It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that 
everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something. 
But that is not all.
As soon as I decide to stay in my solitude, confusing ideas, disturbing images, wild fantasies, and weird associations jump about in my mind like monkeys in a banana tree. Anger and greed begin to show their ugly faces. I give long, hostile speeches to my enemies and dream lustful dreams in which I am wealthy, influential, and very attractive—or 
poor, ugly, and in need of immediate consolation. 
Thus I try again to run from the dark abyss of my nothingness and restore my false self in all its vainglory.
That is the struggle. It is the struggle to die to the false self. But this struggle is far, far beyond our own strength. Anyone who wants to fight his demons with his own weapons is a fool. The wisdom of the desert is that the confrontation with our own frightening nothingness forces us to surrender ourselves totally and unconditionally to the Lord Jesus Christ. 
Alone, we cannot face “the mystery of iniquity” with impunity.
Only Christ can overcome the powers of evil. Only in and through him can we survive the trials of our solitude….The encounter with Christ does not take place before, after, or beyond the struggle with our false self and its demons. 
No, it is precisely in the midst of this struggle that our Lord comes to us and says…. 
“As soon as you turned to me again, you see, I was beside you.”  "


How very true this quote is. I read this tonight in a book called Intimacy with the Almighty by Charles R. Swindoll. This is especially true for me. One of my largest difficulties is trying to quiet my mind and self wholly in order to be fully in God's presence, just enjoying peace and solitude with Him. The reason it's so difficult, I believe I now know. I have unresolved issues in my soul, but of course, everyone does, I believe. That's why those things pop up most when I try to quiet myself to spend time with God. They are things I have to work through and not shut out. Things I need to discuss with Him, and beg forgiveness for. Anyway, I thought this was a fascinating quote, and I hope that anyone reading this enjoys it as well.

Hell, and separation from God.

Naturally, hell is bad. It is Satan's home, and the root of evil. There can be nothing good in hell, just as there can be nothing bad in heaven. But one thing that really boggles my mind is the fact that you are completely separated from God.

It's hard for me to even imagine it. Even if I could handle all the pain, horror, and sadness in hell, I could NOT handle not having God watching what I'm going through, and helping me through difficult times every step of the way. Here on earth we think we have hard times - ha! That is all hell is. Every bad thing on earth - pain, torment, sadness, death - that is what hell is comprised of! I couldn't imagine not having God to help me through the hard times I go through in this life, let alone going an eternity in hell where the only thing known is hard times.

Complete separation from God. What would this mean, exactly? Although I am fuzzy on being able to imagine it what it would be like, I believe I know what it would entail. He wouldn't bless our steps, protect us from harm, have plans for our future, or be there to help us to feel better when life feels like too much. He wouldn't answer any prayer of dire need or desperation. You would be completely alone, facing everything on your own. In hell, the other people will show no mercy to you whatsoever. They will beat you, mock you, and everything, all the time, will be rude and horrible words and actions. At least, that's the way I think of hell. And no God to protect you from anything? That is definitely not a future I want for myself.

Loving Jesus.

How do you know if you love Jesus? Many people I've talked to say, "I love God!" or, "I love Jesus!" But how do you know if you love Him deep down? He sees into the very depth of your soul. He sees the horrible sins you haven't even committed yet. He sees the reason behind your every action, thought, and even movement. Since he knows literally EVERY single thing there is to know about you, how do you know when you love Him?

I don't know about you, but I feel like I don't even know myself. When I read the verses in the Bible which mention that He can see the deepest parts of who you are, I always wonder what my deepest secret is. Even I don't know the real reason behind my thoughts and actions most of the time. So, since I barely know myself, how can I answer honestly to the question, "Do you love Him?"

I suppose an intelligent way to approach this question, would be to look at what things describe love.
1) When you love someone, you are willing to do anything for them. .2)You're willing to drop your most important plans if something urgent or bad happens. .3) You listen to them, talk to them frequently, and keep in a good relationship with them. Some people, you love so much that you don't even want to go a day without telling them hello, or that you're thinking of them and you hope they have a good day. .4) But, when you talk to them you don't want to make it all about you, as this isn't a productive conversation, and will eventually bore them, and you don't want to weigh them down with all of your problems. You want to hear what they have to say, too. .5) You anxiously await the very moment that you get to see them next.

Now, let us analyze these things, and perhaps see if I possess any of these.
#1, I like to think that I would be willing to do anything Christ told me to do. He might have to tell me a couple times if it was something REALLY out there, because at first I would probably think it was my imagination. But I think that if I knew a command came from God, I would do it.
#2, Welll, I'm not sure what kind of bad thing would happen to Jesus, so I don't think that part applies, necessarily. But if there was something urgent He was calling me to do ASAP, would I drop everything I was doing at that point in my life, and do what he asked? Hmmmm.
#3, I am trying to talk to Him more often. Sometimes it's easy to get lost in life and start dragging behind on your prayer or devotions time, but lately I have been setting aside the time for it, because I know it's important for my relationship to grow in Him. And I do listen to His answers to the questions I ask him. (Like, for instance, when I asked why he liked to be praised all the time, which I blogged about in the past.)
#4, here's one that I might not be up-to-par on. When I pray, I usually ask for things. "Please help me with ___" or "Please be with _____ tomorrow." Now that I think about it, I just ask for things from Him quite frequently. I need to try for more of a two-way conversation, rather than one which is so one-sided.
#5, I do await the moment I can see Jesus Christ in person. Just imagining it in my head excites me. I have so many things I'd like to ask Him, and I would love to ask to be forgiven. I know that I already am forgiven, but I think that if I asked him face-to-face, and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Caitlin, I forgive you for everything." That would be so powerful. And I look forward to just being able to run to his arms and hug Him.

So, it looks as if I possess three of the top five things that I believe show love? That figure isn't so bad. And of course the whole walk with Him is a journey.  Maybe along the way I will just know. I'll just know when He is my every waking thought, or the One whom I do everything for. I hope that I grow to be that way, because as of right now, I feel as if I am leaving a bit to be desired in this relationship.

Contradictions?

One thing I really fear about going to college, is having to defend my faith to people who might mock or disrespect it. I am seventeen years old, and graduating in about two and a half months, then hopefully starting college in the fall. But one thing that I really haven't considered until recently, is that undoubtedly I will have to answer questions about, defend, or perhaps preach, my beliefs. Sometimes this wouldn't be so bad. But I have no idea how I would defend myself against the great list of "contradictions of the Bible."

Yesterday during church, we watched a video of a student who was unable to defend his faith when it was put up against the contradictions. So today, I thought I would read a few of these contradictions to see if I would be able to defend it. And as it turned out, no - most likely not, without prior thought and contemplation. But that's what I spent these last few hours doing. Really thinking about the contradictions and how to defend my faith against them. I did come up with a few things that I hope will be useful to me in the future.

Firstly, the Bible was written over hundreds and hundreds of years. Just time alone would be a contributing factor to any number of contradictions. (If you read the Constitution of the United States, which was written back in 1787, and you look at American policies and the beliefs of political figures of today in 2011, don't those resemble quite a contradiction?) Time changes many things. Different things going on at different times, God's anger building in certain points, and declining in others.

Secondly, I believe that when you have faith in something, you just have faith in it. When you believe in something, you just believe it. There are, possibly, a hundred reasons not to believe in, or have faith in God, The Trinity, or Christianity. But it's the millions of reasons why you should believe in them. that make it something you follow completely. However, you should not follow it blindly, just saying, "God is real, because... I think He just is. It's what I believe." That is not enough to defend yourself, or to even come close to converting someone. If something is thrown in your face, you have to know what to reply.


- One contradiction I read was between Psalm 145:9 and Jeremiah 13:14.
Psalm 145:9 says:
"The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made."
Then Jeremiah 13:14 says:
"I will smash them on against the other, fathers and sons alike, declares the Lord. I will allow no pity or mercy or compassion to keep me from destroying them."
When I first read that, I thought, "Oh my. That is a big contradiction. What would that possibly mean?", etc. Then I realized that the Bible has, what? 31,173 verses? That is room for a lot of contradictions if you just choose a few which seem to disagree! So I read chapters 12 and 13 of Jeremiah to really see what God meant when he was angry in 13:14. I found a few things.

First of all, God gave the people of Jerusalem many chances to repent, but they chose not to. He was being merciful to them until he said 'enough is enough.' In Jeremiah 12:15, it says: "... I will uproot them from their lands and I will uproot the house of Judah from among them. But after I uproot them, I will again have compassion and will bring each of them back to his own inheritance and his own country." That is love and mercy! It shows that still even after he uproots them from their land and homes because they were wicked, God still says, "I love them and will have compassion on them, so I will give them their own inheritance and another place to live." But then in the 13th chapter, the people of Jerusalem still aren't getting it. They are still rejecting Him and not doing as they should. So God shows Jeremiah an analogy of the similarity a ruined linen belt has to what He will do to the people who won't listen to Him. He says (Jeremiah 13:11,) "For as a belt is bound around a man's waist, so I bound the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah to me,' declares the Lord, 'to be my people for my renown and praise and honor. But they have not listened.' " They messed it up for themselves. That is why He cursed them so in the 14th verse.

Of course, there are hundreds - no, thousands - of supposed "contradictions" in the Bible. However, I believe that every contradiction has a remedy and an explanation. But the people who come up with these contradictions don't do any digging. They take the words at face-value. You are the one who has to be armed with the knowledge of the remedy to the contradictory statements.

Some scripture from tonight -

I usually either do my devotions before bed, or during the day when the sun is shining in my window and everything is well-lit and pretty. Depends on my schedule for the day - anyway - tonight I read it before bed. I was a day behind in my devotional book, so I read both day's devotions. Both passages of scripture were fascinating to me.

The first, was Luke 9:57-62.
"As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, 'I will follow you wherever you go.' Jesus replied, 'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.' He said to another man, 'Follow me.' But the man replied, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.' Jesus said to him, 'Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.' Still another said, 'I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family.' Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' "
I don't believe I had ever read this bit of scripture before this evening. I thought it was an astounding thought, start to follow Jesus, and never look back on the way you were living before. Have you ever looked back?  Because I am certain that I have.
Although it is a well-known fact, I will say it anyway: the road less-traveled is most definitely not the easy road to take through life. Many times I have thought longingly of how I used to live life; not caring about any kind of repercussions, etc. Of course I know these are condemnable thoughts, but the idea of the Holy Spirit not sending me the "no" vibe with everything I do, must have been fabulous. However, I also know that it wasn't lack of the Holy Spirit interjecting thoughts, it was just me ignoring those thoughts He interjected.
It is not that I regret my decision to follow Christ, but we certainly can't disagree that it was so much easier before we knew the truth about everything :P


The second scripture, was Matthew 12:30:
"He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me scatters."
This one is an interesting thought. If you're not working with God, then you're working against Him. However, what does "with him," or, "working with him," mean, exactly? Following what He leads you to do? Listening to Him? Submitting yourself fully? Agreeing with what He wants for His earthly domain? I really am not sure. Perhaps this one will take a little more research. But something that really puzzled me, is what it goes on to say in the next verses:
"And so I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come." (Matt. 12:31-32)
Wow. That sounds horrible, but I don't understand these verses either! What is blasphemy against the Spirit? Laughing at the Spirit, making jokes about it, or mocking it? Using it in sentences next to unsavory language?

There are so many things in the Bible which have not made sense to me fully. Either it is not the time in my life for me to understand them, or I need to try to listen to what God is saying about the word's definitions. Either way, I suppose I should pray about it rather than blog about it. If anyone would like to offer me some kind of ground-breaking insight, I would be very willing to read and consider. =)

Hmmm..

A couple of days ago, I watched Jesse Duplantis' video, "Close Encounters of the God Kind" where he talks about his trip to heaven. If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest it. It is so amazing. Just imagining it all made me want to go to heaven that much sooner :p. But there was one thing that I had a question about.
In the video, Jesse Duplantis said that it's all about praising God all the time, if one person says, "Praise God!" then it starts a chain reaction and everyone shouts, "Praise God!!" And that kind of got me thinking, why does God want praise all of the time?

Obviously, he created everything and He most certainly deserves constant praise like that, but I just thought, if it were I who was on the throne and Heaven was my domain, I don't think I would want people praising and worshiping me constantly. I would feel selfish. I just couldn't understand why God would want to be the thought in everyone's head or the one on everyone's lips constantly.

So, I was driving home from piano lessons later that day, and when I am in the car by myself, I always think that is the perfect time to speak to God openly, and out loud. So I mentioned to him the question I had. I tried to put it in the best words possible, but of course he knew the exact meaning behind the words. I told Him that I didn't understand. I just couldn't wrap my head around that image - everyone praising Him all the time, and I couldn't understand why he liked it that way. I discussed it aloud for a bit, and then I felt it - I am almost sure that this thought came from the Holy Spirit, and He explained it to me in a way I could understand, because I really doubt I would have come up with this myself.
I could hear the words coming together in my mind, "He is a King. Back in the days when King's ruled over kingdoms, the people were expected to love, fear, respect, and praise their king. And that is why He asks for us to love, fear, respect, and praise Him."
But this still wasn't quite something I could understand. I live in the United States, and I've never been in an environment where I had to love, fear, respect, and praise my leader. It is certainly a blessing to have never lived under a monarchy, but since I never had had to do so, the idea was still a bit fuzzy to me.
So I told Him these thoughts.
And he told me, "There were many evil kings who asked to be worshiped or thought of as the god to the people he reigned over. But I am the Good King; I reign even over the kings of the olden days, and monarchs of today. That is why I am to be praised constantly. Because I am the King of everything, and I actually deserve the praise and worship that those kings did not deserve."

I thought this was such a powerful thought. I know it came from God. I love it when he talks back to me during prayer.

Quote from The Ministry of Cheerfulness by Jesse Duplantis -

"God created the first man and woman and called them Adam. God did not name Eve. Adam named Eve. When God created male and female, he called them both Adam! He chose the female Adam to procreate. She was called woman, which means 'man with a womb.' God did not create Eve from Adam's foot, he created her from Adam's side! God made woman to stand side by side with a man to such a degree that their prayers would be hindered if they argue. At the fall of man, God told Satan point blank that he would send one born of a woman's seed that would bust his head. Women don't have seed, men have seed! For the birth of Jesus, God did not need a man. He needed a man with a womb; He needed a woman."

Isn't that something? It reminds me of another quote I heard a while ago:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on; Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved."

Even women who were thought of as dirt for hundreds of years (and in many cases, are still thought of that way today,) God has wonderful plans for them! God had to use a woman to birth Jesus, and he has to use woman for many other things in His ministry. It is my personal opinion that no man can be quite as motherly and understanding as a woman.

Miracles?

I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus. I believe Jesus did miracles and everything else that the New Testament says happened. But why is it that today when we hear of someone who has the power of healing in God's name, or God sends someone frequent visions, or someone can speak in tongues, why are we skeptical? If we really believe in the Trinity wholly and completely, then we believe in the miracles that Jesus did, and we believe that there still are miracles today. So what does it mean when we are skeptical about miraculous things in today's world? Does that mean we do *not* believe wholly and completely?

Perhaps I am alone in being skeptical upon hearing of miracles. But when I hear people speaking in tongues, I think that they might be making it up. Or if people have the power of healing, I just assume that it's all staged and they can't really heal anything. If I hear of someone speaking to God (and He answers) I slightly doubt that it's true. I'm just not so open to believing the miraculous things of God, as I should be. And why should it be so amazing to hear that God is doing these things? He is God! He made everyone, and everything on the earth. Why should it be so surprising and doubtful to hear of miracles still going on today? It's not that I doubt he can do it, I just doubt that it happens - if that makes sense.

But, with my views on it being as such, this is probably why He *doesn't* choose me to produce miracles. I have a doubtful heart, and He knows it. Sometimes I wonder what my place is in His kingdom. What place could He possibly have for someone who doubts the miracles of His chosen people?