When your doubts in God grow...

  I feel like my faith has been turned upside-down lately. Never, in my entire life, have I ever doubted the existence of God. Never even a little bit in the deepest part of my heart, have I had a doubt even the size of a mustard seed. But as of late, a few of my friends have stopped believing in God. Some have turned atheist, even which is the complete opposite of what they believed before. I know that I, and nearly all of my friends, are at the turning point in our lives. We are at the point where we start to take on our own views and adult-like opinions, and not just follow blindly the ideas of our parents. It's just crazy for me, because I'm a home-schooled student, so everyone who I've ever been friends with has been a Christian. (What a stereotype that is :P.) So it's just a little hard for me to deal with the sudden changes, because I've never had to handle with knowing ANYONE who was an unbeliever.

  But, at any rate, to get to my point: lately I have been having doubts about God, I assume because my now un-Christian friends are putting thoughts into my head and making me question things. Though I have defended God at every opportunity, only now are their words starting to plant roots in my mind and make me second-guess everything. I hate the doubts! I've told God that. I've asked Him to search my heart and know that I don't want those thoughts there, but they just pop up at random! Each time I think "I really need ____," and I automatically think, "Well God will provide it." That is followed up by, "but if he doesn't exist, then...." and it's so annoying. Each time there is an inkling of a doubt that comes to mind, I beg forgiveness. The past few nights when reading my Bible before bed, I have wept until my eyes are sore just because even as I read my Bible, the thoughts like, "Maybe the Bible is just a book. Maybe someone very long ago just thought of all these stories and ideas, much like those who believe in Greek gods did." and those thoughts hurt me. It's like everything I've believed completely whole-heartedly since the time I was two years old are now things that I am having doubts about. Even each old testament Bible story! (David and Goliath, Daniel and the lions den, Esther, Joshua and the wall of Jericho, Moses and the burning bush, etc.) It really tears my heart into bits that I am now doubting each of those things that I have always thought to be 100% true, just because a few of my good friends have switched beliefs and are trying to convince me to do the same.  I have begged during prayer that if God is in heaven and everything written in the Bible really is completely true, that he would help me to overcome my doubts so that I can continue to grow in my relationship with Him. I feel like a life without belief in God is no life at all, but when I had (well.. I shouldn't use past tense because I still do believe.. I don't even know how to describe what I've been feeling lately. Anyway: ) a belief in God, I let it go awry by letting my friends' influence into my heart. I have felt so completely, awfully guilty and so unworthy the past few weeks.

  At any rate, I have been praying to earnestly that if God is in heaven that he would please help me to overcome my doubts. Over and over and over I've prayed that prayer. Then last night, I just suddenly remembered that years ago, my mother bought me two books that are from a series of three or four by Paul Little. The first, entitled "Know Why You Believe" and the second, "Know What You Believe". Since she bought them for me, she has told me that she wants me to read them before I go to college but I never have. They just set idly on my bookshelf. But last night I suddenly remembered that I have these two books. With the troubles I've been having, I obviously picked up the book "Know Why You Believe" first, and I read the introduction and knew that this was EXACTLY the kind of book I needed to read in order to get answers and to tell what I should do to respond to my recent doubts/questions.



  I know that these doubts are just on the surface and aren't really in my heart. (Otherwise I feel that I *probably* wouldn't still pray for guidence and help all the time.) I just need to get rid of them before they plant roots.

  This book has helped me immensely just so far. This man was truly blessed with the words of God. It's very insightful and thought-provoking.