Changing for God.

  I have not always been an actual Christian. I was raised Christian, so I've always known about God and I called myself Christian, but I was living quite a worldly life. I didn't really get the concept that being Christian means that you are in a close relationship with God. My very Christian friends always tried to win me over, and the message would really affect me and I would think "Oh, yes. I am going to DO this this time. I am going to be a REAL Christian now!" and then the message would fizzle out and completely go away. I struggled with that for  years, and I had no idea why. I didn't understand why it ALWAYS went away. Then one night I was reading my Bible and I realized that if I died right that moment, I wouldn't go to heaven. I knew it. So I thought, "If I know that I'm not going to make it to heaven right now, then what am I doing?" And that is when I gave my life to God. And that was only about a year and a half ago.

  After that, I began to see that it was going to take sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. I also saw that it isn't called "sacrifice" for no reason. A sacrifice is meant to be difficult - it is meant to show how devoted you are. If you just give up stuff you don't care about, that doesn't really show devotion, does it? For a few months after I officially gave up my life for Christ, I felt so different. It's not even something you can describe, you just know that you're different inside. I had given up my bad music and bad movies (to clear up: "bad movies" refers to movies with an R rating) because I literally had no desire to taint myself with those things any longer, I started reading my Bible every day, and praying all the time. But then, I started to miss my music (because.. let's face it. Christian music isn't really that great.) I started to listen to just ONE non-Christian band again. But once that gets into your heart, it plans the seed and it grows. That is exactly what happened, too. So I started to listen to all of my bad music again. And then eventually I went back to watching bad movies.

  Obviously, the new and amazing feeling of belonging to God completely went away after that. This went on for a few months until I noticed that the feeling was gone. I noticed that I never thought about God anymore. I didn't pray anymore. I started skipping my devotions. I remember after I figured all that out, I would just cry and pray all the time and tell God I was sorry that I drifted away, and I kept asking Him to let the feeling come back. The happy, glowing feeling that makes you feel so amazing. I kept asking for the feeling, and to feel His presence. I started forcing myself to read the Bible again every day and I started praying a lot more again, but the feeling never did come back. I started to wonder if that was the only chance I'd had. Just the first one. And I messed that up. This went on for much too long.

  About a months ago or so, I gave up bad music and movies again. I don't even remember why. I think it was just a feeling of, if I wanted to get closer to God, I had to sacrifice my piddly, stupid desires. Last weekend it all started to make sense to me. About a year ago when I was all upset that the feeling was gone and that it didn't feel the way it used to and I was constantly praying for God to come back and forgive me, I hadn't gotten rid of the things that drew me away from Him in the first place. I was still listening to bad music all the time and watching bad movies, but I expected God to come back as fully as He had the first time. God has to think I'm so dumb. It is a wonder that He is so patient with me, honestly...

  So far the sacrificing has been going well. I don't really miss the movies anymore, and the music.. I still kinda miss. But I'm hoping God will help me to discover some Christian bands that I just love, because that would make it so much better :P.  But last night I thought of the fact that not only will I have to sacrifice those things, but I have to sacrifice EVERYTHING. There has been a conflict in my small group of friends recently and everyone is always complaining about the other behind their back and I don't really like to get involved and I always feel really bad afterwards, but I always do it. I'm not smart enough to change the subject or something. Ugh. Last night I was flipping through Romans and each verse I read said things like "Their mouths are full of cursing and hate," and "They don't know how to live in peace," and, "There is no one who always does what is right. Not even one." I thought that was pretty much a huge hint from God that I had to stop gabbing about people. So now I have to do that.

  Movies affect the mind. The bad things you may see in an R rated movie, or the things you hear, will flutter across your mind for weeks, even months after. You find yourself thinking words that you never thought before, and you have images going through your mind that you regret.
Music affects your heart and your soul. When you listen to music full of swearing and bad messages, those things plant themselves in your heart. They grow there, and change the feelings you have in your heart. Your devotion to God, your love for people, anything. Bad music changes those things.
But your tongue has a mind of its own. If you curse people with your mouth, it is hard to get it to stop. The tongue is the only part of you that is easily affected that hurts others. Your mind, heart, and soul are your curses to bear. But the tongue hurts others more than it hurts you.