Changing for God.

  I have not always been an actual Christian. I was raised Christian, so I've always known about God and I called myself Christian, but I was living quite a worldly life. I didn't really get the concept that being Christian means that you are in a close relationship with God. My very Christian friends always tried to win me over, and the message would really affect me and I would think "Oh, yes. I am going to DO this this time. I am going to be a REAL Christian now!" and then the message would fizzle out and completely go away. I struggled with that for  years, and I had no idea why. I didn't understand why it ALWAYS went away. Then one night I was reading my Bible and I realized that if I died right that moment, I wouldn't go to heaven. I knew it. So I thought, "If I know that I'm not going to make it to heaven right now, then what am I doing?" And that is when I gave my life to God. And that was only about a year and a half ago.

  After that, I began to see that it was going to take sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. I also saw that it isn't called "sacrifice" for no reason. A sacrifice is meant to be difficult - it is meant to show how devoted you are. If you just give up stuff you don't care about, that doesn't really show devotion, does it? For a few months after I officially gave up my life for Christ, I felt so different. It's not even something you can describe, you just know that you're different inside. I had given up my bad music and bad movies (to clear up: "bad movies" refers to movies with an R rating) because I literally had no desire to taint myself with those things any longer, I started reading my Bible every day, and praying all the time. But then, I started to miss my music (because.. let's face it. Christian music isn't really that great.) I started to listen to just ONE non-Christian band again. But once that gets into your heart, it plans the seed and it grows. That is exactly what happened, too. So I started to listen to all of my bad music again. And then eventually I went back to watching bad movies.

  Obviously, the new and amazing feeling of belonging to God completely went away after that. This went on for a few months until I noticed that the feeling was gone. I noticed that I never thought about God anymore. I didn't pray anymore. I started skipping my devotions. I remember after I figured all that out, I would just cry and pray all the time and tell God I was sorry that I drifted away, and I kept asking Him to let the feeling come back. The happy, glowing feeling that makes you feel so amazing. I kept asking for the feeling, and to feel His presence. I started forcing myself to read the Bible again every day and I started praying a lot more again, but the feeling never did come back. I started to wonder if that was the only chance I'd had. Just the first one. And I messed that up. This went on for much too long.

  About a months ago or so, I gave up bad music and movies again. I don't even remember why. I think it was just a feeling of, if I wanted to get closer to God, I had to sacrifice my piddly, stupid desires. Last weekend it all started to make sense to me. About a year ago when I was all upset that the feeling was gone and that it didn't feel the way it used to and I was constantly praying for God to come back and forgive me, I hadn't gotten rid of the things that drew me away from Him in the first place. I was still listening to bad music all the time and watching bad movies, but I expected God to come back as fully as He had the first time. God has to think I'm so dumb. It is a wonder that He is so patient with me, honestly...

  So far the sacrificing has been going well. I don't really miss the movies anymore, and the music.. I still kinda miss. But I'm hoping God will help me to discover some Christian bands that I just love, because that would make it so much better :P.  But last night I thought of the fact that not only will I have to sacrifice those things, but I have to sacrifice EVERYTHING. There has been a conflict in my small group of friends recently and everyone is always complaining about the other behind their back and I don't really like to get involved and I always feel really bad afterwards, but I always do it. I'm not smart enough to change the subject or something. Ugh. Last night I was flipping through Romans and each verse I read said things like "Their mouths are full of cursing and hate," and "They don't know how to live in peace," and, "There is no one who always does what is right. Not even one." I thought that was pretty much a huge hint from God that I had to stop gabbing about people. So now I have to do that.

  Movies affect the mind. The bad things you may see in an R rated movie, or the things you hear, will flutter across your mind for weeks, even months after. You find yourself thinking words that you never thought before, and you have images going through your mind that you regret.
Music affects your heart and your soul. When you listen to music full of swearing and bad messages, those things plant themselves in your heart. They grow there, and change the feelings you have in your heart. Your devotion to God, your love for people, anything. Bad music changes those things.
But your tongue has a mind of its own. If you curse people with your mouth, it is hard to get it to stop. The tongue is the only part of you that is easily affected that hurts others. Your mind, heart, and soul are your curses to bear. But the tongue hurts others more than it hurts you.

Check-up on the whole "doubts" thing.

  I have been spending a lot of time praying and reading my Bible and doing devotions and asking God to help me with all of the stuff that was going through my head. And again, he has come through for me. I realized that the things I was thinking weren't doubts at all. I never doubted the existence of God, I just questioned it. All of the things going through my mind were just questions, and He answered them for me. Now they are completely gone, and I am back to the way I used to be. Completely accepting of Him and His word. That was horrible, when I wasn't sure about things. I am so thankful that it didn't last long. Only a month or so. When you aren't sure about God, or when you don't believe in Him, your life feels worthless and like there is no point to your existence. Along my small journey I knew that was true. When you aren't serving God or constantly looking to Heaven in anticipation and love, you have nothing to live for, because we are alive to live for God. (cheesy as that sounds, if you think about it, it is completely true.) If there wasn't a God whom we needed to serve, none of us would be alive. And when you don't believe in the God who you were made to serve, then you literally have no purpose. I felt this way while all of my questions were constantly plaguing my mind and tainting my thinking. I felt like since I was having questions about God, my existence was becoming meaningless. And that is a horrible feeling.

  I also realized that you can always come back. When I was questioning things I felt myself getting further and further from my relationship with God. I was getting angry quickly and always really sad. But when I decided to stop being an idiot and take care of the problems, God took me in again with no questions asked. Just that easily. And when I apologized, the Bible says he doesn't even remember it. Not only does He forgive me, but He doesn't even remember it anymore. That is astounding.

When your doubts in God grow...

  I feel like my faith has been turned upside-down lately. Never, in my entire life, have I ever doubted the existence of God. Never even a little bit in the deepest part of my heart, have I had a doubt even the size of a mustard seed. But as of late, a few of my friends have stopped believing in God. Some have turned atheist, even which is the complete opposite of what they believed before. I know that I, and nearly all of my friends, are at the turning point in our lives. We are at the point where we start to take on our own views and adult-like opinions, and not just follow blindly the ideas of our parents. It's just crazy for me, because I'm a home-schooled student, so everyone who I've ever been friends with has been a Christian. (What a stereotype that is :P.) So it's just a little hard for me to deal with the sudden changes, because I've never had to handle with knowing ANYONE who was an unbeliever.

  But, at any rate, to get to my point: lately I have been having doubts about God, I assume because my now un-Christian friends are putting thoughts into my head and making me question things. Though I have defended God at every opportunity, only now are their words starting to plant roots in my mind and make me second-guess everything. I hate the doubts! I've told God that. I've asked Him to search my heart and know that I don't want those thoughts there, but they just pop up at random! Each time I think "I really need ____," and I automatically think, "Well God will provide it." That is followed up by, "but if he doesn't exist, then...." and it's so annoying. Each time there is an inkling of a doubt that comes to mind, I beg forgiveness. The past few nights when reading my Bible before bed, I have wept until my eyes are sore just because even as I read my Bible, the thoughts like, "Maybe the Bible is just a book. Maybe someone very long ago just thought of all these stories and ideas, much like those who believe in Greek gods did." and those thoughts hurt me. It's like everything I've believed completely whole-heartedly since the time I was two years old are now things that I am having doubts about. Even each old testament Bible story! (David and Goliath, Daniel and the lions den, Esther, Joshua and the wall of Jericho, Moses and the burning bush, etc.) It really tears my heart into bits that I am now doubting each of those things that I have always thought to be 100% true, just because a few of my good friends have switched beliefs and are trying to convince me to do the same.  I have begged during prayer that if God is in heaven and everything written in the Bible really is completely true, that he would help me to overcome my doubts so that I can continue to grow in my relationship with Him. I feel like a life without belief in God is no life at all, but when I had (well.. I shouldn't use past tense because I still do believe.. I don't even know how to describe what I've been feeling lately. Anyway: ) a belief in God, I let it go awry by letting my friends' influence into my heart. I have felt so completely, awfully guilty and so unworthy the past few weeks.

  At any rate, I have been praying to earnestly that if God is in heaven that he would please help me to overcome my doubts. Over and over and over I've prayed that prayer. Then last night, I just suddenly remembered that years ago, my mother bought me two books that are from a series of three or four by Paul Little. The first, entitled "Know Why You Believe" and the second, "Know What You Believe". Since she bought them for me, she has told me that she wants me to read them before I go to college but I never have. They just set idly on my bookshelf. But last night I suddenly remembered that I have these two books. With the troubles I've been having, I obviously picked up the book "Know Why You Believe" first, and I read the introduction and knew that this was EXACTLY the kind of book I needed to read in order to get answers and to tell what I should do to respond to my recent doubts/questions.



  I know that these doubts are just on the surface and aren't really in my heart. (Otherwise I feel that I *probably* wouldn't still pray for guidence and help all the time.) I just need to get rid of them before they plant roots.

  This book has helped me immensely just so far. This man was truly blessed with the words of God. It's very insightful and thought-provoking.

Psalm 49

I have been going through the book of Psalms the past few days. Last night I read Psalm 49, and there are a lot of really impacting verses here. I highlighted nearly all of them in my Bible, so I thought I would share this passage with my faithful blog followers.
Psalm 49 in full says:
1 Hear this, all you peoples; listen, all who live in this world, 2 both low and high, rich and poor alike: 3 My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the utterance from my heart will give understanding. 4 I will turn my ear to a proverb; with the harp I will expound my riddle: 5 Why should I fear when evil days come, when wicked deceivers surround me-- 6 those who trust in their wealth and boast of their great riches? 7 No man can redeem the life of another or give to God a ransom for him--8 the ransom for a life is costly, no payment is ever enough-- 9 that he should live on forever and not see decay. 10 For all can see that wise men die; the foolish and the senseless alike perish and leave their wealth to others. 11 Their tombs will remain their houses forever, their dwellings for endless generations, though they had named lands after themselves. 12 But man, despite his riches, does not endure; he is like the beasts that perish. 13 This is the fate of those who trust in themselves, and of their followers, who approve their sayings. 14 Like sheep they are destined for the grave, and death will feed on them. The upright will rule over them in the morning; their forms will decay in the grave, far from their princely mansions. 15 But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself. 16 Do not be overawed when a man grows rich, when the splendor of his house increases; 17 for he will take nothing with him when he dies, his splendor will not descend with him. 18 Though while he lived he counted himself blessed-- and men praise you when you prosper-- 19 he will join the generation of his fathers, who will never see the light [of life]. 20 A man who has riches without understanding is like the beasts that perish.


I love these verses. There are so many verses in the Bible that tell us not to store our riches on earth. This whole Psalm is dedicated to telling you what you have to look forward to if you store your treasures on earth, rather than in heaven. (One of the best  verses pertaining to this, in my opinion, is Luke 12:34, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.") "...Wise men die; the foolish and the senseless alike perish and leave their wealth to others," (Ps. 49:10). Wisdom is no better than foolishness or senselessness if you care more about earthly gain such as money, success, power, etc. And by the Psalmist using the word 'perish', we can obviously tell that this means hell. "This is the fate of those who trust in themselves," (Ps. 49:13). Why would you trust yourself when you could trust in God? I don't trust myself at all. How often have we all promised ourselves that we would never do something, and then we ended up doing just what we promised ourselves we would not do? I know for a fact that I can't trust myself. So why should I try when God is 100,000,000,000 X wiser and more trustworthy? He knows what is best for me. He knows the plan for my life; I was not born without purpose. I anxiously await  for the day when I can do what God put me on earth to do. :)

Children of God

This video brought me to tears.

That is so powerful.